"No reading at the breakfast table"

Life leaves scars.  Sometimes they are big visible ones like the one left behind by my caesareans.  Sometimes they are big but leave an internal scar.  The scar of a miscarriage or a still-birth.  The loss of a close relative.  Those scars that over time you kind of get used to carrying around quietly in your heart.  The initial impact might gradually fade, but they're still there.  Part of who you are.  A remnant of your life story. This year has been a year that's left a scar on me.  I've experienced anxiety in ways that I've never felt before.  It's changed me.  I'm still processing how that kind of anxiety and stress has impacted on me.  I've appreciated paid employment in a way that's been new to me.  I understand now why people who are facing crises in their personal life will keep persevering with making it to work, because it provides structure and predictability and task completion. But like a caesarean s...

A precious moment of 'uprightness', a smile and outdoors Well, this is not at all what I had in mind when I started this year off in January! That's the problem with making bold declarations in public forums.  You can't even pretend it's what you had in mind! Not of course that having a chronically sick child is on anyone's radar.  It kind of just happens.  And there you are.  That family with the sickness.  Just an ordinary family.  Not doing anything particularly hopeless or anything particularly amazing.  And now increasingly desperate for answers, yet the answers seem so elusive. More elusive as time passes.  Elusive because your brain can't kind of keep track of all the different symptoms and ailments and appointments and tests.  It becomes more about what today's been like.  Or what the last doctor's appointment raised.  Over time it's hard to hold onto it all. Things haven't been going very well.  She's been o...

One of the changes I'm making in my year of Less is More , is that I've reduced my paid employment to  two days a week.  It was three days in 2013 and four days in 2012, so I'm going backwards at a nice, steady pace! I like my job a lot.  I teach in a school with fantastic staff and kids - it's fun and a lovely environment to spend time in.  I feel smart when I'm there.  I'm always a bit surprised when my thoughts and contributions appear useful to others!  Being honest, I would happily work more.  I like it.  There's nothing much more to it than that.  The money helps us, but we've lived off one pretty modest income for most of our married life so it's not so much about the money. However, I have found juggling work and family really tough. My energy bank seems to be smaller than other people's (or I have five kids and I'm way too optimistic about what can be achieved in a lifetime!).  Ok - it's probably just smaller than I would li...

Don't you think that sounds like it could turn up in a newspaper one day to describe me? Funny thing is, while it is true, I feel much more defined by the 'mother of 5' ( who also has a paid job ) than the 'working' part of the description. I loved being on holidays with my kids.  Admittedly holidays is such bliss in our house because there is no running around with music lessons, swimming, sport etc.  So it is a bit of fantasy land when compared to normal term time. Holiday cubby building - he actually slept in this for two nights! But I suffered such a lot of grief and withdrawal when I went back to work this week.  I just missed being around my kids (even though they also drive me a bit mental at times). And I feel a little bit like I'm not quite tough enough.  That I'm meant to be desperate for the working side of my life, because the kid side is just not enough to make me a whole person. It didn't help me much that on Sunday there was ...

A bit of background.  I'm married to a church minister, but he doesn't work for a church.  He works for a not-for-profit organisation that supports the ministry of Christian students on a university campus.  He is responsible for a team of about 20 full time staff members and is responsible for ensuring that the funds for this organisation are raised to pay everyone.  He also works closely with the student leadership of the group which at the moment has about 800 students involved. Here's my first challenge about this type of ministry (nice way of say 'big fat whinge' but anyhoo, off we go). I am on the introverted end of the spectrum but we have A LOT of different groups of people in our life that we are involved in.  The ministry is large and busy and totally people orientated.  We have our family (which is large and busy and people-orientated!).  We also go to our local church (which is thankfully not too large, but is also people-orientated)....

Earlier this year I employed a cleaner to come and clean our house once a fortnight.  I was desperate.  I couldn't get my head around cleaning on top of coping with working four days a week and I was exhausted.  It seemed like an easy solution to a big problem. But it wasn't the solution.  With seven people in our house there is just so much TIDYING to do.  It could be a full time occupation.  Cleaning proved to be the least of our worries.  Picking up all the stuff is massive.  Cleaning is not so massive.  Picking up all the stuff has to happen every day, or at least more often than once a fortnight.  Otherwise we could not open the front door and leave the house each morning.  Cleaning does not actually take all that much time (once the tidying is done). So tidying up for the cleaner was proving to be a big stress and on a weekday morning when I was working, it just became a bit nightmarish.  Plus if most of the job is ...

I had a bit of nasty jolt back to the reality of the working mother last night.  My 5 year old was in floods of tears at the prospect of me going back to work today (yes, sadly, the holidays are over - but gee, they were great).  I already feel permanently guilty about working and enjoyed being around for the kids in the holidays.  However, I had reached the point where I was looking forward to going back to work to do my actual job (this I do enjoy), but the guilt I was not looking forward to.  So when your youngest child cries that she only wants Mummy to pick her up from school - ouch - tough.  Needless to say, I didn't sleep so well last night. Anyway, she had a fine day in the end.  My parents were looking after them (their school hadn't started yet) and she learnt to ride a bike without training wheels - goodness me, what a fabulous outcome.  And I spent time this evening typing up a chart of little pictures to show her who is taking her whe...

Thankfully Nanny McPhee isn't at our place!  Two days a week we have a nanny (I guess that's what you call her - we just call her Beck!).  She picks up the kids from school and brings them home.  Helps them with homework, home readers.  Keeps them safe while they hang out at home.  We decided to go down this path with childcare because we didn't want to leave them in after school care and with so many children it ended up costing just a bit more than putting them in childcare.  I really wanted the kids to be able to relax at home and get some things done, rather than staying at school for longer and having to negotiate more relationships in the school yard.  That's just us - and I have pretty introverted kids who need lots of down time. But would I like to claim the childcare subsidy that I'd get if they were in after school care?  Sure!  Absolutely.  It would be a lot cheaper.  Last week the opposition leader has suggested he...

Last week a work colleague of my husband's said that lots of people had been asking her if she knew how I was going.  So, I'd better tell you how my transition from the SAHM camp to the working mum camp is getting on.  Seems there is some interest in it. Obviously from my lack of writing on my blog, I'm feeling pretty swamped.  I'm not unhappy, our family isn't unhappy, my marriage isn't unhappy.  I just feel tired.  And slightly panicky a lot of the time. The slightly panicky feeling comes from a variety of sources.  Making I sure I get ready to get to work in time.  Dealing with the mysteries of a new job.  Making sure I've signed all the appropriate notes for the kids (I spent 90 minutes last week solidly signing notes and writing cheques for the kids).  Helping the kids who need help with music practice.  Paying all the bills.  Making sure homework is ticking along.  Buying stationery, sports equipment, sheet mu...

O dear.  Hello to my friend the neglected blog.  Like many other things in my life that are being neglected at the moment.  My family, friends, toilet cleaning, washing folding, exercise, sleep, cooking - and the list goes on. I'm stuck in that place where I don't quite know what I'm doing with my new job (although each day I feel that I inch a little closer to having a concept of what my days will look like) and don't have any energy left for much else.  Not my favourite place.  It is quite tiring looking slightly like a bit of a twit for large periods of the working day. I have worked out that it is possible to outsource a lot of things in life though.  Cleaning.  Shopping.  Childcare. Gardening.  Car washing.  But you can't outsource relationships or exercise.  They seem to actually involve me.  I guess I'll just gradually get fatter and lonelier. But I'm ever the optimist so I'm sure it will get better.  Although...

On her first birthday And my baby starts school tomorrow.  I was feeling cool as school about the whole thing and my husband was going to take her because I have a new job. But I suddenly thought 'I can't do this.  I need to be there.  A little bit for her.  But mainly for me'.  My new boss is a lovely, generous lady who said, 'of course, you need time for these transitions'. So I can be there tomorrow.  I can take lots of photos.  I truly can't believe this day has come - after all this time being at home with little people. Don't think I'll cry.  I'm excited for her.  She's excited and school is such fun.  I just need to be there to sign off this era of my life.

So I'm just going to quietly get off my high horse and tell you that I've accepted a job as a teacher librarian working - wait for it - four days a week.   This was certainly not on my agenda when I wrote the earlier post.  I wasn't looking for a new job, but a friend told me about the job, I applied, got an interview and here I am. I'm excited and thrilled with the opportunity.  It is a lovely school, I'll be part of a team and the head librarian is a leader in the field.  Sad to be leaving the public library I currently work at and sad to leave my colleagues and the kids I work with.   Have we quite worked out how it is all going to work out with the kids?  Umm - well, sort of, kinda, ( not really ). But hey - aren't you glad you'll be able to share the journey with me?!

This month I'm working full time. It is taking a village to make it possible and I am so grateful to Rowan, my in-laws and many friends who are doing school drop offs, pick ups, looking after our youngest, doing the crazy after school runarounds. I haven't been looking forward to this time at all, but I just need to do it to finally complete my course. It is proving to be as horrible as I expected. I don't think I will be able to work full time for a long time. Of course the prestige and money that comes with a full time job is appealing, but these last few days have convinced me that I won't be able to go down that track. I miss time. I miss time with my kids. I need time to talk to them properly. Not just get a potted summary of the day. I miss time to help my friends. I miss time to think about others. All my time goes into what I'm doing during the day, eating dinner and saying a quick hello to my own family. I miss time on my own so that I have energy for o...

Book Sculpture: very cool It's just over a year since I started back in part-time employment after having kids.  I get asked a lot 'How's it going? I don't know how you do it.  Are you still happy?  Are you enjoying it?'.  So I thought I'd answer some of these questions. I only work two days a week.  Once I'm AT work, it's fairly straightforward.  The challenge for me, especially since I'm new to the library world, is to contain my work to work hours.  I do sometimes find it hard to switch off mentally.  Even though I'm physically there two days, often in my head it ends being more like four.  There's the day before - when I psych myself up for it again and my brain begins whirring - and then the day after - when I'm processing all that's happened in the two days.  I have found that as I've got better at the job I'm not thinking about it as much which is nice. Since I'm not home on the days I'm working I have to...

In February we did a lot of hospitality . We tried to have as many people from Rowan's staff team over individually for a meal. It is always so worthwhile, encouraging and great for strengthening relationships. But being honest, (and hi guys, we do love you all!) February did almost kill me! And as a result I've been pretty burnt out and slack. It's not just the time, it's the shopping beforehand, the cooking and the cleaning. All in the middle of the rest of life. So chatting to a minister's wife from a large church on the weekend, I asked how she managed to do all the hospitality she does. She suggested doing supper instead of dinner. This little suggestion was so liberating. Why? Less shopping. Less food preparation. Less washing up. Less stress juggling the guests and the children at the dinner table. Easier to have guests on the evenings I work because I don't have to worry about preparing a full meal the night before. All I have to do now is work out...

After the week we've just had, I am finding much joy in cleaning my house, doing the washing, shopping for meals ahead of time - sometimes housework actually gives me joy! This week has been one of those 'I hope we don't have too many of these' weeks.  Our 10 yo has been on crutches after fracturing her ankle playing netball and our 9 yo was terribly unwell with the flu (at one point Scarlet Fever was suggested - scary).  I've never seen her so unwell.  She basically didn't leave the lounge for five days - hardly said a word, rarely ate.  It was so strange when she joined us at the dinner table and was part of the conversation.  Against this backdrop we fitted in a two hour visit to the hospital for the fracture clinic (cast now off thankfully).  Plus a 3000 word uni assignment handed in on Monday and busy week at work for me (the NSS and then a library open day). So I'm very thankful to my incredible, sacrificial husband who rearranged his life so I c...

So my youngest doesn't want to go to preschool.  This has been a constant refrain for the past few weeks.  She goes on the days that I'm working and studying.  Do I feel guilty?  Absolutely.  I just want to keep her at home - even though in reality that's an insane idea because by 10am she'd be driving me mad! As Rowan pointed out, the other kids went to preschool three days a week when they were her age.  I don't remember feeling bad about it then. I think it's that there is no option.  That even if she's feeling bad and sad about friends/teachers/whatever, I don't have the option of just hanging out with her at home.  I'm committed to work. It's interesting because once she's at school I won't feel quite the same - she has to go to school, so there's not the same feeling of preschool being an added extra. I do like working, but I feel sooo torn.  My kids have made me a softie but actually I like it.  It keeps me constantly a...

I really struggled over the summer holidays with work.  I found it hard that I was missing out on time with the kids. I also found it hard that I was running programs for kids at my library when my own kids were at home.  Now that school is back it's a lot easier - they are busy so I'm not missing out on time with them.  But I found it so hard - I felt genuinely sad. There may be those of you who think that's a bit mad.  Especially those of you who would love to go to work to get a break from your kids.  Or those of you who have been juggling work and kids since you had babies. I don't like feeling sad but also I don't think it's a bad thing. It stops me from getting consumed by work.  It gives perspective.  It helps me remember what's important to me in my life.  It stops me from having my sense of well-being tied up with how work is going. I think working has also confirmed for me that staying at home with the kids full-time for a long time w...

Since I only started working a few months ago I have to keep working over the summer.  It means that we can't go away and Rowan is looking after the kids on his own in his annual leave. I don't think anyone in my family is all that worried by it, but I feel so guilty.  I keep telling myself that I should be OK about it, but I can't get past it. I'm starting to reflect on why this is. Where does all this guilt come from?  It's not very rational when I consider the fact that I'm only working a couple of days a week and Rowan is looking after the kids when I'm not here (and frankly, making it a lot more fun for them than when I have them on my own!). On reflection, I've spent over a decade telling myself why it is important for me to be at home full-time. In a world that values paid employment above all else, I had to work hard to feel OK about being at home for so many years.  I've read books that convinced me that not working was the right de...

A comment on my working  post. Anonymous said, Please consider putting some of your new extra income to something like supporting mission or ministry and don't blow it on a self indulgent overseas holiday. Well, I have to say Anonymous that after I use any extra income (somewhat limited due to the low pay of librarians plus reduced government family benefits, cost of childcare, travel etc) to support my missionary friends, pay bills and feed my kids, I'll most definitely be adding 'self-indulgent overseas holiday' next on my To Do List. Here's to dreaming. What I have learnt through going back to work is that unless I go full-time or get a seriously well paid job, it isn't going to make a huge difference to our financial situation.  In lots of ways I'm working now because I wanted to gain work experience which is related to my degree and I was ready to try working outside the home.  Working isn't always just about the money.  It's more complic...