MK guilt and a missions conference
For many years I struggled going to this conference because I felt like we needed to GO. That we needed to pack our bags and go to Africa/Cambodia/Alaska - whatever was the country of the moment. This is what I call 'MK guilt'. Not experienced by all, but experienced by many. You grow up with such a strong sense of 'being a missionary is the hardest, most important, valuable thing you could be doing as a Christian' that anything else becomes a bit of a cop out.
So when we decided that Sydney was where we should be for the long haul, I couldn't believe it. Downtown Sydney? Truly? How dull.
I have many peers who work as missionaries. Kids I went to boarding school with are now Bible translators in India. Friends from my youth group who work in other countries. And it's truly hard. It really is. The isolation. The distance from family and familiar things is very tough. Bringing up kids in a different culture and language. I feel it. I feel it so strongly. So I go to this conference and struggle. I think 'what we're doing is just not HARD enough - does it count if it's not really hard?'.
A wise missionary friend said that she thought that it sounds like survivor guilt. Like I got away with not having to do a hard thing and so now I feel bad about it. But in reality, what have I done wrong? Have I been unfaithful in what God wants of me? No. Does God love me any less? No.
Grace, upon grace, upon grace. It is God's grace - not what I do. And I am only really starting to understand it now - actually I'm only starting to understand that I don't really understand. He saved me - not because of the righteous things I do/have done/will do. Just because.