"No reading at the breakfast table"

Recently a friend was telling me about a sermon she had heard at her church where the minister told them to not waste time on Facebook and put time into things that are more important.  While it's a valid point that Facebook can waste time, my friend and I both felt that FB actually helped us strengthen many of our real life friendships.  Why?  Because it is often in the small things that relationships grow. Many of my closest friendships have been formed through just the everyday stuff.  What might be considered minutiae. Counting the number of feeds we'd done with our newborns the night before (trying to stoically ignore those women with the baby that ' just sleeps through from 8-6 without a feed '), retelling the trauma of a two year old's tantrum in the shopping centre, trying to find shoes that fit our toddler's weird feet, analysing the distance the vomit projectile travelled during the latest round of family gastro, negotiating lifts to netball traini...

Last week I finally got around to listening to a podcast that I downloaded months ago.  Recommended by a reader it was a radio show from the States called 'Boundless' (comes under 'Focus on the Family') and it included an interview with three adult MK's. I enjoyed the podcast and plan to download others to listen to.   ( http://boundless.typepad.com/podcast/2012/02/209-mks-groves-race.html ) One of the aspects of the interview that stood out to me particularly was when one of the MK's said that she missed 'social cues' when she returned from the mission field as a 15 year old. I remember this clearly as one of the aspects of returning home to Australia that I found particularly tricky.  I just didn't quite 'get' what everyone was talking about in conversations.  About 6 months after coming back I remember being at a 16th birthday party (at a friend's house that had been recently renovated - as an aside I genuinely couldn't u...

I've talked to a few women recently who have admitted to feeling lonely. I've written about this before , but I'm back on it because the more I've written about it, the more conversations I've had and a sense of loneliness appears to be a common experience for many women. My experiences with making friends, is, well, I've always managed to make a few friends wherever I've been.  I've moved around a lot - both as a child between countries and many different schools, and as an adult. I've been the newbie as both a child and adult many times. There have been some contexts which have been very hard - living in a suburb where all the mums worked full-time, made it very tough to make friends when I was at home full-time with small babies. And I don't feel I'm great at it, because I've seen some women who are incredible at initiating friendships and I've often been on the receiving end.  However, for someone who is naturally shy, I...

I've been thinking a bit lately about the whole friendship thing.  A negative consequence of part-time work for me is that on the days I'm not working, I'm busy playing catch-up to the rest of my life, sadly leaving little time for friends.  When I was at home all the time and especially when my kids were smaller, I needed my girlfriends for company - to help me survive the long days with small children. It's those times of intense shared experiences (like having babies together, or studying together or travelling together) that often create the deep friendships.  But sometimes those times of intensity and closeness can create a dissatisfaction with newer friendships in other times of your life. I've been thinking that perhaps women expect too much of their friendships sometimes.  Why can't all my friendships be like when I was at uni/in the wilds of Africa/when I had my first baby?  Well, probably because I'm just not spending as much time with people ...

A few more thoughts on friendship coming out of my post on being a MK. Developing new friendships as we get older can be confusing.  Finding someone we actually like and find easy to get on with can be hard work.  Developing a real friendship in the midst of all the acquaintances.  Or, as Seinfeld helpfully points out, it can feel like dating. You like them.  But they seem to have lots of other friends. You try to initiate social interactions.  They don't reciprocate.  So even if you find someone you do like they may not always be as keen!  It's not always a straightforward process. There's a temptation (as I've experienced with my No 4 child starting school  ) to say 'This is TOO much!  I can't do this anymore.  No more new relationships'.  And it makes sense in lots of ways.  Invest time in those relationships that you know are good and strong and reliable. But I've been the new, friendless person so many times in my li...

One of the great things about getting older is that I feel a lot more settled with my life story.  I don't feel so reticent to share it with others.  In fact, as I've got older I'm valuing more and more my childhood rather than desperately wishing I'd had a 'normal' childhood in Australia. I lived in India between the ages of 5 and 14.  My parents were missionaries and we lived in a Bible college in a little Indian town in the middle of India.  Between 9 and 14 I went to a British boarding school for missionary kids which was a two day train trip away from home. When I was almost 15 I started attending school in Australia.  I had a posh accent and soooo desperately wanted to assimilate - quickly.  I lost that accent fast and started to try and learn about life in Australia.  What it meant to be Australian.  A real Australian.  Not just one that celebrated Australia Day and ate Vegemite.  It wasn't easy. I found the later years of hig...

OK - I do feel a little bit mean writing this post since it's about my child-free weekend in Melbourne.  I feel a bit mean because I'm aware that so many of you have small children and never even go to the toilet on your own let alone a weekend away. However, in the spirit of sharing my life with you, I don't want you to miss out on the fun stuff (even if it is only vicariously).  Perhaps it will give you hope for the future. I flew to Melbourne, stayed in an apartment in the city for three nights with a group of women that I was in a book group with for many years.  Quite a few of our number don't live in Sydney so it was a reunion in lots of ways. We walked and walked and talked and talked!  I like walking especially if there are lots of interesting, new things to look at (and it does not involve whining children).  My favourite was our outing to the State Library of Victoria.  I wouldn't have even known about this library except that Rowan download...

Just a postscript to yesterday's post. When I was feeling particularly overwhelmed I found it hard to initiate conversations with people who I didn't know.  This is not usually something I struggle with so it was a bit strange for me. I was chatting to a friend who helped me a lot with this.  She simply said "Jenny, stop worrying.  Those people will still be there when you get your energy back". It was simple and it took the pressure off. And as the weeks went by I just talked to a new person when I felt I could and it got easier.  I think making small aims (like:  "I'm just going to chat to someone new for a few minutes" rather than "I might invite her over for morning tea" which is what I'd normally do!) helped. Still a work-in-progress I have to say.

I have nothing much that is profound to share today.  But here's some thoughts that have been in my head today. 1.  Crimes mothers commit:  Me:  "Please can you brush your teeth before you go to school?"  Child:  "You just make my life so difficult don't you?  You're making me late ...."  Me:  "Can you get dressed so that you aren't naked for school?  Child:  "Oh, I'm just sooo tired - don't you understand?" 2.  I live in a community - my stress levels are down today due to the kindness of other mothers who have helped me with baby sitting and taking my kids to sports training.  I never take this generosity for granted. 3.  Apparently there is a "critical shortage of librarians"  (or that's what I heard on the radio at 5.55 am this morning on my way to the gym).  I gave a loud 'hurrah' but I also suspect the shortage isn't in Sydney.  Canberra is the happening place for librarians. 4. ...

Last night I had a great night out with my old school friends.  One friend lives in the States and is in a Australia for a month.  We always use her visits as an opportunity for a catch-up. We laughed and laughed and were very noisy (poor neighbours).  At one point we were asked what we remembered most about our time at school.  I remembered getting off the bus after school, walking to the cake shop and hanging out in the park next to my house.  We used to spend a lot of time in that park in Year 11.  I remembered how we just had hours to spend chatting and laughing.  What did we talk about when we'd just spent all day together at school? Uni was another time in my life where I seemed to have a lot of time for friendships.  Lots of time to develop deep relationships in a short amount of time.  Many of those relationships remain my closest friendships today.  And having small children.  Long days to fill up where there was nothin...