"No reading at the breakfast table"

Photo by  Norbert Levajsics  on  Unsplash Of course I loved Marie Kondo's new show on Netflix.  I'm a bit obsessed with getting rid of stuff (much to my family's frustration, "I guess I can't find that because you THREW it out Mum...").  Five years ago I went through my own process of decluttering.  I'm also fascinated by how to efficiently use space and to consider the impact of our carbon footprint. It's not just that we have five (increasingly) growing offspring in a three bedroom house, but that accumulated clutter adds to my stress levels.  I think a lot of it stems back to growing up in a third world country and accumulating very little because we moved a lot.   Plus our neighbours were often fairly poor so having lots of material wealth wasn't helpful in that context (we still looked SO wealthy though).  Interestingly I'm not a particularly tidy person, so the decluttering also stems from a desperate desire to just have l...

I got asked this question a few weeks ago and I thought I'd write something about where we're up to with the slowing down gig. A few months ago I wrote about feeling like a failure , because I had taken things out of the kid's lives and was anxious that they would feel left behind.  But almost two years since I made the decision to radically cut back on our extracurricular schedule, I'm a total convert.  And I say 'I' because Rowan had been quietly suggesting for years that it was crazy (but he's a patient man). A few months ago there was a TV documentary on the ABC about Carl Honore (author of 'In praise of slow' and 'Under Pressure:  putting the child back in childhood').  He came to Australia and spent time with three busy Australian families.  Some may have looked at the schedules of these families and thought 'wow, full-on'.  I watched the show thinking 'that was totally me'. I've since read his book and it's ...

Last year was my year of 'Less is More'.  You can read all my posts here . We also had a really sick child.  You can read all about that on my blog too. Giving up so much of our routine was exhilarating.  At the start I was so relieved to not be rushing around.  And it was OK because we couldn't have juggled our old timetable with a sick child as well. But as the year went on I became increasingly anxious.  On one hand (the calm and logical one) I wasn't regretful because the kids weren't complaining. They seemed happy and relieved that life wasn't so frantic anymore.  We actually had family meals together most nights of the week where everyone was there.  We had lots of laughing and talking and sharing.  No one had to rush off to be somewhere.  We had time to get through homework and reading without stress. So while I wasn't regretful, I became stressed because I felt that I had failed the parenting exam.  I had given up. ...

J has been singing more the past few weeks.  And drawing (that's her work above).  It's the small things that I realised had disappeared from her life during the six months of nothingness.  Her six months on the lounge.  The singing and creativity had been replaced by DVD box sets.  Theme tunes that I never, ever want to hear again, yet at the same time brought so much joy to her in the midst of unrelenting exhaustion. I've been exhausted this past month.  Thus the silence.  Part of the month has been having the flu, recovering from the flu.  I realised that I'm just mentally weary.  I've been keeping myself busy this past three months to get away from the consuming anxiety of a sick child.  Really busy.  I'm working hard at my job.  Lots of preparation at home.  But distractions only sustain for so long. J has been tracking a lot better.  I can feel the real hope of recovery in small changes.  She's been ...

This morning we clean forgot that #4 child needed to be at band at 7:15am.  We've only been taking a child to this band for, I don't know, like SIX years! I've forgotten a lot of things recently.  On Friday I forgot that I actually had one child at school (the primary kids were all at home for most of last week sick) and had to rush down to school and pick him up.  Why is my brain malfunctioning on basic routine-type stuff? I was pondering what was taking up my brain space instead.  This morning at 7:15am I was thinking about what time we needed to get J up so she could be ready in time for her half day at school.  I was thinking about whether or not she'd actually be well enough to get there.  I was thinking about what I might need to do to push her to get up and dressed.  I was thinking about how I'd cope if she started crying and complaining that she felt too tired (she always feels too tired).  I was thinking about what I could say that...

If you feel that you are up to speed with our tale, then you would be wrong. Last week our appointment at the children's hospital was great because it was the first time in six months that we had been given concrete direction on how to move forward. One of the steps in the plan was that we had to find a psychologist ourselves.  So I dutifully went along to our GP for a recommendation.  She called the first practice she could think of that would deal with adolescents. Turns out that Headspace actually run a fatigue clinic for adolescents in Camperdown that is affiliated with the University of New South Wales.  When I rang them to ask for an appointment and told them our story, they expressed surprise that Westmead even helps with fatigue because as far as they know, they, and UNSW, are the only organisations in Sydney that run official fatigue clinics. Amazingly there was an appointment slot free the following day which we took, even though we felt that we were...

After my post last week  about J's health, I've received a lot of messages from folks asking how the appointment went and what the outcome was.  Some of the messages were showing general concern but a number were also curious about what happened in the appointment and how they plan to manage J's fatigue. We met with a pediatrician and a psychologist for about an hour.  In that time they met the whole family, spent time talking to J alone and then they talked with Rowan and I alone.  What I appreciated about the appointment was that they were very straight with us.  They weren't critical and were in fact quite encouraging about different things we'd already tried (like waking her up before she'd naturally wake up, getting her to do a small amount of exercise each day). But they were very clear about what she has to do to get better and explained the plan to the whole family. They also said that some of her other symptoms (like sore knees, a sore tummy, hea...

Today I feel war weary.  Weary from the war of medical visits and doctor's opinions and rearranging our life to make it happen.  I feel weary from talking about it.  I feel weary from the anxiety and helplessness and the sense of failure.  I feel weary because hey, life is just tiring anyway isn't it? The good news is that I had two weeks off from that weary feeling.  It's definitely an environmental, circumstantial weariness.  Two weeks away at the beach, with good friends, lovely food that we mostly didn't cook, long bike rides, bush walks, sits on the beach, knitting, reading, sleeping, laughing with our kids. All the good stuff, the refreshing stuff of life.  J was happy to be out of the house, distracted by the other kids, even managed a few short walks. But as the time came closer to come home we could feel all the anxiety returning, the tensions, the stress, the uncertainty about what lies before us in the second half of our year of less. ...

Life has been a bit overwhelming recently.  It is hard to approach the end of another school term with a child who is still sick.  There have been moments when we've seen improvements, but they're only small. We're at the point where we're getting into a serious run of medical appointments and it is tiring organising them, chasing up people, working out how to fit it all in.  Trying to keep some vague sense of 'normal' for the rest of the family is hard.  Just getting along to the parent teacher interviews for five children over this past week on top of the usual stuff has felt tiring. Add into the mix a new bout of health problems for myself.   I wrote about this last year (read about it here ). I've had nine months pain free but then I've had the pain return more significantly over the past few months. This means a whole set of extra doctor's appointments, ultrasounds, specialist appointments, multiple phone calls and an ongoing uncertainty a...

We got rid of a lot of extra curricular's in January and so many times this year I have thanked God that I felt OK about making that decision before this crazy year had even started.  We're at the point where we feel so spent from the stress of coping with a sick child, that when yet another 'Great opportunity for our kids to SHINE!' gets announced at school, we want to weep (and sometimes do weep).  Getting the shopping done each week somehow feels like reaching Base Camp.  Getting kids to a concert feels like climbing the summit. What's been interesting to me is that the kids aren't complaining that they have less on.  They seem to find what I would consider the basic stuff - school, church, kid's club - makes their life quite rich.  Three of the five kids play a musical instrument - last year I had five kids doing either one or two instruments each.  A couple of them do a bit of sport.  We've had to say so many times this year 'Sorry kids, b...

A precious moment of 'uprightness', a smile and outdoors Well, this is not at all what I had in mind when I started this year off in January! That's the problem with making bold declarations in public forums.  You can't even pretend it's what you had in mind! Not of course that having a chronically sick child is on anyone's radar.  It kind of just happens.  And there you are.  That family with the sickness.  Just an ordinary family.  Not doing anything particularly hopeless or anything particularly amazing.  And now increasingly desperate for answers, yet the answers seem so elusive. More elusive as time passes.  Elusive because your brain can't kind of keep track of all the different symptoms and ailments and appointments and tests.  It becomes more about what today's been like.  Or what the last doctor's appointment raised.  Over time it's hard to hold onto it all. Things haven't been going very well.  She's been o...

I kicked off 2014 with such optimism .  Such a sense of control.  Finally I had cracked it.   No longer was I going to feel panicky.  No longer was I going to awake in a cold sweat at 4am.  No longer was I going to let life get away from me .  Ahh - the arrogance of it all. Last week I had to pull the pin on all my daughter's extracurricular activities.  Not just reduce.  Not just create less.  Create nothing.  A schedule of nothing more than eating and sleeping.  This is NOT the 'less' I was thinking of.  I know that I didn't want the 'more'.  But I didn't think we'd end up with nothing.  This was a hard moment for me. Over the school holidays our daughter improved a lot from her sickness and fatigue of the first three months of the year.  We saw a significant improvement in her health. She even went to three consecutive full days of school at the start of term.  She was so happy and we felt like...

Happy Mother's Day to my Australian readers.   Here's an old post from my 2011 Mother's Day.  It still makes me laugh. So much is promised for mums on Mother's Day.  A blissful sleep in.  Gorgeous children collaborating with humour and joy to serve you breakfast in bed.  Beautiful gifts purchased thoughtfully from an expensive department store. OR ... it could look like this: Friday :  Tears at breakfast because we couldn't find enough $5 notes around the house to pay for my presents at the Mother's Day stall.  The 4 year old did use her own money (apparently she knows what a $5 note looks like - this was news to me) and went happily off to the preschool Mother's Day stall.  I suggested that the Tupperware measuring set looked good, but she went STRAIGHT for the cellophane wrapped pink bubble bath.  Handed over her money and happily stuffed it in her bag. She spent the whole walk home in the afternoon pestering me about when she c...

While there have been so many upsides to simplifying our schedule , on reflection, I've found that it has been quite draining for me.  What I've discovered is that by us having more time to be together, share life together, and by me being more available and less busy, I hear more of what's going on for the kids.  Not just rushing from activity to activity, we have more time to chat about their days.  I see them more, so they share more (or in some cases, less 'sharing' and more 'hurling' of words as they unfurl their frustrations on me). So that's all lovely.  And what I was hoping we'd have more time for. But with five kids, I can be going on and off for five hours of these debriefs. As children stumble in through the door throughout the afternoon.  As they finish their assignment and decide NOW they're  on for a chat.  As they remember something AFTER I've turned the lights off (this is common, and being honest, my least favourit...

I've been thinking about how to apply my 'less is more' principle in my parenting as a Christian mum.  You can read an article I wrote on this topic for the Growing Faith website (and I love the photo accompanying the article - just hanging out with your kids is a lot of what it's all about). http://growingfaith.com.au/parenting/10-ways-christian-parents-can-achieve-more-by-doing-less

In the upper middle class, well-educated world that I live in we value not simply attending school, but we value doing excellently at school.  And we don't simply value attending school, we value participating in music, tennis, soccer, cricket, drama, dance, gymnastics, swimming and of course excelling in all of that too.  It's a great privilege of wealth and health that we are able to give our kids these opportunities.  But it can make you very busy and stressed, both in time and finances and sometimes anxious as you don't want them to waste these good opportunities. Being forced to step out of that world a bit has caused me to think a lot about why we do it. When our kids are little they are a bit of an extension of ourselves.  We might start off hoping and dreaming for almost a better, more improved version of ourselves.  Or we feel these are THE life skills that our child should be given.  Or we do it because that's what our  peers are doing w...

I've been enjoying pottering my way through Peter Walsh's decluttering book, It's all too much.   One of the questions he asks early on in the book is 'What is your vision for your home?' I've been mulling over that question for a few days.  While Walsh's book is referring to decluttering your physical possessions, it got me reflecting on my earlier decision this year to declutter our kid's extra curricular schedule .  In hindsight, thinking about our vision for our family life was what got me thinking about the need for change. Time to enjoy a dance on the front porch at sunset When I look back on why we decided to have a baby all those years ago I think it was a desire for there to be more than just the two of us.  I think I just thought it would be fun to have more people in our life who would share in our particular life experience. There wasn't a particularly clear vision or plan (not my forte).  But having a few kids and being privilege...

Last week I wrote about how our year hasn't exactly started off as we had expected with our daughter being very unwell .  The list below is completely drawn from my own experience and from what I've learnt from chatting to others with chronic illness in their families.  It's very personal so I'm sure some of you will look at some of these points with a totally different response.  But I still write it, partly for myself (so I can look back and learn from this time) but also so that others can maybe gain some insights from my experience. The Helpful 1. Offering to pray for us.  It's been hard to pray when we just feel stressed.  I have really valued friends patiently texting for updates so they can pray, even when nothing's changed. 2.  Being understanding when we've just had to bail out of so many commitments.  Not just activities for her, but needing to have a parent to be a full-time carer has involved a 'spot' of rearranging.  We've h...

Earlier this year when I started my Year of Less is More , I was anticipating lots of time for thinking by myself, coffees with friends, time to reorder my house, extra time for the kids.  I wanted my idea of 'less' to enrich our life, to bring 'more' to our lives.  And to a certain extent, slashing our schedule to almost irresponsible parenting levels has resulted in many positive outcomes. But as I mentioned in an earlier post our daughter has been very unwell.  For six weeks she's been at home. Every week we tell people that 'We're hoping she can make some part of the school day next week'. And then another week sort of slips by and our doctor isn't confident yet that she's up for it. She's certainly improving, which is enormously encouraging.  But as the weeks have ticked by, her life has slowly been reduced to waking at 9am to eat breakfast watching the previous night's episode of 'The Block', followed by Minecraft on ...

Dear readers, Every now and then I get the guilts about our kids being a bit squashed in their bedrooms (boys' room/girls' room).  It didn't help when the seven year old was yelling at me on Saturday because I hadn't provided her with her own desk and 'ALL the others have one' (not quite true - the second youngest doesn't have one and I don't have one, but ok, that probably wasn't the moment to point that out). But then we get to Sunday afternoon and everyone's working on their homework and 4/5 kids are in the kitchen/dining room.  And two of those kids have their own laptops and desks to work at. So I'm not convinced by the seven year old's argument, and especially not by the 'But when they're teenagers they'll need their own bedroom for study' argument that I hear from lots of adults. I haven't seen the teenagers using their desks (that are the envy of the younger siblings) for much more than dumping their ...