A touch of the weariness about it all
The good news is that I had two weeks off from that weary feeling. It's definitely an environmental, circumstantial weariness. Two weeks away at the beach, with good friends, lovely food that we mostly didn't cook, long bike rides, bush walks, sits on the beach, knitting, reading, sleeping, laughing with our kids. All the good stuff, the refreshing stuff of life. J was happy to be out of the house, distracted by the other kids, even managed a few short walks.
But as the time came closer to come home we could feel all the anxiety returning, the tensions, the stress, the uncertainty about what lies before us in the second half of our year of less. Even J crashed more at the tail end of our holiday.
Now that we're back into life, it's kind of familiar territory. When the anxiety isn't overwhelming, it's replaced by this weariness and a sense of defeat and a touch of the 'whatevs' about it all.
Today we face our first visit with a chronic health team at the Children's hospital. The whole family has to go which is an interesting prospect. I am just thankful that my kids aren't little so they can entertain themselves during the waiting that hospital visits entail.
On one hand I am ever hopeful of answers. On the other I feel deep apprehension that they will be critical of what we've done so far, or they won't do anything, or they'll be dismissive or they'll come up with solutions I feel uncertain of. Being analysed as a family unit is a very vulnerable position to be put in. We are desperate for help so J can move forward, but the process is so tedious and draining. It's hard for her too to be put in the spotlight - she's our middle child, the one who just likes to blend in with the crowd, the 'please don't make a fuss about me' child. The idea that the whole family has to come to an appointment which is just about her is difficult for her.
I will let you know how we go faithful readers, pray'ers' and encouragers. Your support and concern for our family is incredible.