A touch of the weariness about it all

Today I feel war weary.  Weary from the war of medical visits and doctor's opinions and rearranging our life to make it happen.  I feel weary from talking about it.  I feel weary from the anxiety and helplessness and the sense of failure.  I feel weary because hey, life is just tiring anyway isn't it?

The good news is that I had two weeks off from that weary feeling.  It's definitely an environmental, circumstantial weariness.  Two weeks away at the beach, with good friends, lovely food that we mostly didn't cook, long bike rides, bush walks, sits on the beach, knitting, reading, sleeping, laughing with our kids. All the good stuff, the refreshing stuff of life.  J was happy to be out of the house, distracted by the other kids, even managed a few short walks.

But as the time came closer to come home we could feel all the anxiety returning, the tensions, the stress, the uncertainty about what lies before us in the second half of our year of less.  Even J crashed more at the tail end of our holiday.

Now that we're back into life, it's kind of familiar territory.  When the anxiety isn't overwhelming, it's replaced by this weariness and a sense of defeat and a touch of the 'whatevs' about it all.

Today we face our first visit with a chronic health team at the Children's hospital.  The whole family has to go which is an interesting prospect.  I am just thankful that my kids aren't little so they can entertain themselves during the waiting that hospital visits entail.

On one hand I am ever hopeful of answers.  On the other I feel deep apprehension that they will be critical of what we've done so far, or they won't do anything, or they'll be dismissive or they'll come up with solutions I feel uncertain of.  Being analysed as a family unit is a very vulnerable position to be put in.  We are desperate for help so J can move forward, but the process is so tedious and draining.  It's hard for her too to be put in the spotlight - she's our middle child, the one who just likes to blend in with the crowd, the 'please don't make a fuss about me' child.  The idea that the whole family has to come to an appointment which is just about her is difficult for her.

I will let you know how we go faithful readers, pray'ers' and encouragers.  Your support and concern for our family is incredible.


Gordon Cheng said…
Really tough. May our kind God give you a daily sense of his mercies.
Anonymous said…
I just wanted to say how much I appreciate your sharing about your family's experience of chronic illness. Our own situation is different (its my husband with the chronic illness that we've been trying, and failing, to sort out all year)but so much of the impact it has is similar. The questions, anxiety and weariness all ring true with me. There is no one in my geographical circle of friends who is dealing with this sort of thing so reading your posts has been enormously helpful to me. Thank you! And I hope and pray your appointment today is helpful to you all, or at least a step in that direction.
Sarah said…
Still praying, Jenny. Keep plodding in His strength. Praying the visit to the chronic illness team will be helpful.
Emilia said…
Hi Jenny

I have been following your blog since Gordon shared it on Facebook but this is the first time I commented.

After seeing different specialty of specialists and having lots of different kinds of medical tests over the years, I was diagnosed with an auto-immune condition a few years ago.

I could relate well with every feeling you expressed in this particular article and I want to let you know that you are not alone in feeling that way.

Your honest and generous sharing on your blog had helped me deal with my own emotions on my not so good days.

I hope that your appointment with the Chronic Health team went really well, you get what you hoped for as well as more answers than questions (which I am still getting used to feel after seeing a medical specialist).

Keeping you, J and the rest of your family in my prayers.
Our son, aged 11, lives with chronic pain that stops him from sleeping, most sport, many other activities. It has an unknown origin and it has lead to depression etc for him. I find it really tough to know when to push him and when to just accept what he feels able to do. I worry that one day they will actually find the cause of the pain, and it will be a "nasty". Sorry to blather on but what I wanted to say was I really appreciate your sharing of your families story.

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