"No reading at the breakfast table"

While there have been so many upsides to simplifying our schedule , on reflection, I've found that it has been quite draining for me.  What I've discovered is that by us having more time to be together, share life together, and by me being more available and less busy, I hear more of what's going on for the kids.  Not just rushing from activity to activity, we have more time to chat about their days.  I see them more, so they share more (or in some cases, less 'sharing' and more 'hurling' of words as they unfurl their frustrations on me). So that's all lovely.  And what I was hoping we'd have more time for. But with five kids, I can be going on and off for five hours of these debriefs. As children stumble in through the door throughout the afternoon.  As they finish their assignment and decide NOW they're  on for a chat.  As they remember something AFTER I've turned the lights off (this is common, and being honest, my least favourit...

So I've almost survived my first year of a daughter in Year 7.  Actually, more accurately she's survived it.  A whole new school.  Totally new friends.  And oh, aren't the friends the big thing for some teenage girls?  It was for me.  Filled my brain totally.  Unfortunately it wasn't filled with French vocab or my English novels but the people side of junior high was consuming. The new challenge that we've faced this year is managing the internet.  More specifically the ubiquitous access to the internet.  3G + teenage girls = bad, bad combo. My daughter bought herself an iPod touch earlier this year.  She had a very boring Nokia phone that we gave her for Christmas last year (her face literally fell when she opened it) but her friends mostly have iPhones (usually mum and dad's old ones) with 3G access.  So constant access to the internet.  And constant access to social media apps like Kik and Viber.  This means you c...

I'm always motivated to read parenting books when I'm in a new stage of parenting.  This stage is brought to you by my first teenage girl.  I didn't love being a teenage girl.  Admittedly I did have a lot of upheaval during that stage of my life - I changed countries when I was 15 and then changed school/church/house another couple of times before I finished school.  I found it very hard.  But it wasn't just that.  It's a hard stage physically and emotionally anyway.  I have a lot of love for teenage girls.  They are not necessarily easy to live with (ahem - bit of an understatement ...) but I feel their pain! So last term I read Steve Biddulph's new book 'Raising Girls' (2013).  There was a lot in it that was familiar because he goes through each stage and I've been through most of them a few times now. But I'll just share with a few things that I found helpful as I think through how to help my girls negotiate this pretty tricky stage....

Where on the 'food spectrum' do you sit as a parent? There is the 'anything goes' approach to food.  The 'Soft drink in the baby bottle won't hurt them will it?' end of the spectrum. Then there's the other end.  The 'I've grown every ingredient for this snack in my own backyard' and 'My kids don't know what sugar is' end of the spectrum.  This is the end of the spectrum I am personally more familiar with and the end of the spectrum that induces the most parenting guilt. You do spend a lot of your time thinking about food as a mum.  It's starts the minute they are born and on it goes.  I learnt a lot about the impact of food chemicals when my eldest child was diagnosed with a significant number of intolerances and allergies.  It simplified our diet immensely and in general gave us a healthier diet. I do find parental anxiety about food, a little worrying though.  I think by making a big 'thing' of food, we p...

I had this comment on an earlier post  on sibling rivalry and I thought it might be interesting to hear what people's answers to this question might be. "ok so having more than 2 leads to too much fighting? I'm trying to decide on whether to have another one (my current two are 3 and 1)...would rather avoid the constant refereeing if at all possible" I have to say in answer to this question that I think my younger two (two years apart) would fight the way they are at the moment regardless of whether or not there were other siblings.   Over the years different pairings of kids in my gang have really annoyed each other and it is mostly the ones who they are closest to in age. Would be interested to hear what other's experiences are on this one.

This has been a common refrain from my younger two over the school holidays.  Their biggest fear in life seems to be being left out or not being able to keep up.  I have two very determined little people fighting for their spot in our family.  Fighting with each other and fighting with their siblings to find their place. A bit wearing ... and a few  too many to count tears have been shed. Are kids who are homeschooled nice to each other?  I guess they must get used to each other.  But for a few days this week at my house, school has felt like a wonderful place simply because they will not be with each other for 6 hours of the day. I remember talking to a school dad who had two kids, five years apart.  He was shocked when I told him my kids fight all the time.  I don't what kind of shop he thought I was running, but it certainly isn't one of endless love and harmony. Hoping for excellent skills of relating and conflict resolution (or p...

When I had my first child I wanted to be very cool and relaxed about the whole parenting gig.  It's not my style to make a fuss and I just wanted to get on with it.  I didn't like all the business about researching the best pram, best cot, best maternity clothes, best nappies, best baby monitor, even before he was born.  I couldn't understand why having a baby needed to be so orientated around buying 'stuff' - expensive stuff (my view on this hasn't changed - I think a lot of the purchasing pressure surrounding a new baby is a total ruse). However, by three months old my beautiful little boy was suffering with horrible eczema.  This was the beginning of a long road of learning how to stand up for my child, how to barrack for him, how to advocate for his needs - actually - how to make a FUSS.  Totally out of my comfort zone. The eczema was followed by a violent reaction to milk at 9 months, a positive test to a lot of allergens (including peanuts, dairy, tr...

My eldest child carries an Epipen (adrenaline shot) because he has a life threatening allergy to cashew and pistachio nuts. He's soon to be 15 and is much more independent now in many different aspects of his life. This independence is great but his allergy is something he has to manage on his own. Yet so little of the way his allergy is 'managed' is related to him. Most of the energy I spend on this matter is related to the paperwork required for school. The endless signing of notes, visits to the GP for signed management plans, updating his epipens. There is more to help the teachers than there is to actually help him. I feel worried as he becomes more adventurous. He does more on his own with friends. Tries new foods. And why shouldn't he? This is part of becoming an adult. But these are the times when he is most likely to get caught out. Not when I'm with him or a teacher is with him. When he's with his peer group. And here's my lates...

I wouldn't say I am all that competitive but I sometimes feel like I've ended up as a participant in Project Offspring.  I didn't know that I was entering a competition when we decided to have kids.  I naively thought I was just having a few kids to create a little family. Oh no.  How little I knew.  It all started at my first mother's group - 'How many hours is he sleeping at night?  How often do you feed him?' and we were off and running. I'm not a person who thrives on competition.  I sometimes wonder if I'm a little bit alone on this.  I like to achieve but I don't find being in a competition very empowering.  In fact the opposite - I feel quite deflated by it.  I've never been a star - never the best academically, never the best at music, never the best at sport.  Always pretty good but never the best. Am I unhappy about this?  No.  I mostly feel fine about my mediocrity!  I don't mind not being the star...

Here's my piece of parenting advice for the week.  Practice saying 'no' to your child when they are young.  It will help them.  Truly. Why?  Here's what I've been thinking about recently. Earlier last week I had the privilege of hearing Paul Dillon speak.  He's been talking to teenagers and families about drugs and alcohol for the past 20 years and he was fantastic.  He said he'd like to smack some parents around the head for the lack of backbone they have with their teenagers on the issue of alcohol.  It's the old 'Well, everyone else is doing it Mum' argument that seems to press all our buttons so brilliantly.  He said parents need to learn to say 'NO' to their teenagers and show them some tough love.  They are afraid of upsetting their children so give in. What he didn't say is that many parents are afraid of upsetting their children from the day they are born. I have no problem with loving and caring for my child and...

I say an ordinary mum because a lot of the kids I know who are super musicians have parents who are professionals or they have tiger mothers. I don't know what they're doing at home but what I do know for sure is that their kids play a lot better than mine in a shorter amount of time.  Actually, I kind of do know, but don't want to admit it.  They just practice a lot. So I humbly offer what I've learnt as an ordinary mortal about helping my kids with their music. 1.   They will want to quit - often.  Don't give in.  There are so many great reasons for persevering with music.  Plus you've forked out quite a lot of money so you need to be sure you want to cave in. 2.  They might weep in frustration - often.  It is not easy learning an instrument.  If another person says, 'O, your kids are sooo talented' I might do some physical harm.  It is just hard work (for all of us). 3.  Get them to listen to the pieces they are learnin...

I know that when my kids were little I often felt that I had no power.  The endless tantrums proved this to be true.  But I could basically keep pushing the kids to behave in a way that I deemed appropriate (with varying degrees of success).  A lot of time was (and is still) spent in correction of behaviour. The question that is now starting to challenge me is how do you start to step back from that approach as they get older?   I was having a long, painful discussion with my teenager yesterday about what I thought he should do with a project he had to present in class today.  The discussion was getting fraught and we were going around in circles.  In my heart, I just felt that I probably had a pretty good idea of what the teacher was expecting from him, and I didn't want him to get disappointed with the outcome. As we were talking I decided that I needed to stop hassling him.  He had to work it out for himself, take responsibility for that...

Sometimes my kid's needs become crystal clear.  Earlier this week (after a few late nights) I had one of those moments.  It isn't deep but it makes SUCH a difference to my children. They need the magic duo - food and sleep.  After a few babies I worked out that most babies' issues are related to the magic duo.  What I hadn't reflected on until recently is that this doesn't stop when kids get older - I'm still pursuing the same goals! They need good food that fills them up (actually, they need to eat the food that is given to them that fills them up - but my fussy eaters could take up another whole, long depressing post). And they need a good amount of sleep.  My seven year old will not sleep in.  He always wakes early.  So if he goes to bed at 10 he will only get 8 hours sleep when he needs at least 10 hours to be civilised.   The amount of crying in a given day is directly related to the amount of sleep that my children have had.  ...

Slow parenting.  It's about slowing down how much you pack into your toddler's life.  It's about slowing yourself down so that you can watch your child play.  So that your mind has space to think about your child and their needs.  I like it.  It makes sense to me of my own experiences of life with toddlers. A bit of history.  When my first child was 18 months old we went along to a kinder gym.  I was lonely and it was a good way to meet up with my friends.  But my son didn't want to do anything!  He just wanted to be with me.  And my friend's children were all off and independent - jumping on all the equipment while they chatted and had a coffee.  I felt like a failure.  And humiliated. When my son was two we were invited to join a music class by a music teacher friend who wanted a group to practice with.  I had a very small second baby at the time.  It was a disaster.  My son didn't want to participate. ...

Picking your battles with a teenager.  New territory for me.  My almost 14 year old is lovely.  I find him genuinely nice, fun and easy to hang out with.  But he's been growing his hair for a year.  It is driving me crazy.   And the more I (and his sisters) get irritated by it, the more determined he is to keep growing it. Appearances don't matter, I keep telling myself.  And I know this is a nothing issue.  But other people seem to have nicely presented children. What fights do other people feel are worth fighting over with their teenagers?  Do people fight over hair length?  Or are they too busy worrying about real problems?! PS  I think it looks better in the picture than in real life!

As you may have picked up I'm normally pretty relaxed about my kid's education.  This came home to me this week as I chatted to a first time mum about an assessment program for kindergarten that they use in NSW schools called 'Best Start'.  Only my younger two have had to go through this program.  Chatting to this mum she told me that she had been practicing with her son for the test.  Her son attends a different school to mine and they were told during the orientation program what they would need to do for the test.  I actually had little idea what the test actually entails and plus, I never knew it was a 'test'.  I thought it was a strategy for assessing kids to see if they had particular special needs that the school needed to address - at either end of the spectrum. In this kind of a 'test', average is a good outcome.  I like average.  I know that many people who read this blog are struggling with issues at either end of the spectrum. ...

So the kids get their new classes.  I'm obviously a bit distracted because of like, my own life and all.  So I think I might come across as a bit mean here, but really, I haven't given it a second thought.  But this is not the case for many who I have spoken to over the last few days.  A lot of energy is expended as parents at this time of the year. Here's what I think. Is the kid happy?  Yes.  Cool. Is the kid unhappy?  Yes.  Be sympathetic and talk about how you're going to make the best of it. Still unhappy?  Give them cuddles and chocolate biscuits. Still unhappy?  Take a deep breath - you're going to be having a lot of chats this year. Stillll unhappy (five weeks into term)?  Sure, speak to the principal.  But just give it some time and give your child a chance to make a go of it. Embrace vagueness and relief that you don't have to front up to school to deal with it all each day and it will leave you the energ...

We have recently endured the school captain election process for the second time.  I am going to age rapidly if I have to go through this every two years. My daughter was very keen to get elected as a school officer (partly because her older brother had been school captain a couple of years ago).  But she was struggling to get her head around coping with not  getting a position. So we spent a lot of time chatting (not always without angst - 'so you don't think I can do it, do you Mum?' followed by floods of tears ) about how she would respond if she missed out and how she was going to speak to the other girls about it.  We really wanted her to be kind to others in the process.  And recognise that the process is what it is.  You can't control it - whether it seems fair or not. So that was all fine.  Good learning experience at our end. However, I soon discovered that this was not a lesson a few of the other mothers had ever learnt.  I had som...

One of the struggles I'm facing as my kids get older is to be empathetic to people who have younger kids than mine.  I know it's hard, I remember that it was hard, but NOW also has its challenges, and they often feel just as overwhelming as those early years.  It can be tempting, at times, to go, 'you thought that was bad - wait until they're 13'. Which is not actually true in my case.  And is immensely annoying to hear when you are sleep deprived with tiny kids (so I don't say it).  I actually much prefer 13 to the psycho toddler years when complete irrationality reigned at every point.  It's just that there are always aspects of the 'now' that are stressful and scary too. The tendency though, is for me to be slightly vague and fairly unhelpful at answering parenting questions.  I've been mentally developing a list of questions that I don't think I'm helpful at answering.  But probably should be.  I'm often your 'go-to' g...

I'm very pleased that an article on lazy parenting appeared in the Sydney Morning Herald this week http://www.smh.com.au/lifestyle/life/why-lazy-parents-make-happy-families-20110824-1j94e.html .  The article talks about giving kids enough free time in their life so that they are forced to get bored, which then makes them more creative and inventive. I'm a bit of a lazy parent (as in, I'm happy for them to work out ways to entertain themselves that don't involve me), but during term time our life is crazy.  It's partly because of the number of children.  Each child doesn't have lots on, but they often have to come along to each other's activities.  Plus homework, chores, baths, music practice - the time disappears during the week. But weekends are generally reasonably quiet and the school holidays are glorious weeks of unstructured time.  The holidays are very precious times.  Some kids are better at entertaining themselves than others.  The easy op...