Tuesday, August 4, 2009

Not Complaining


Here's a confronting story to remind us why we need to be careful about endlessly complaining to our husbands. (Sydney's Child, Your Views, Aug 2009).

"I'd like to respond to the article At Home and Not Happy (May 2009). The words could have come directly from my wife - the same resentment and anger about being stuck at home with small children. All very understandable and explainable. There is, however, another party involved: the husband, and the situation impacts on him too. When our second child was born, my wife became steadily more resentful towards me. If I went away on a business trip, it was labeled a 'junket' or 'holiday... House tasks were done by her before I'd even noticed they needed to be done, then I was resented for not doing them. The tension increased steadily, and I started drinking regularly to escape. I was told most days about my lack of contribution, about how easy my life was in comparison to hers, about my ever-growing list of inadequacies. One day, after three years, I couldn't take it anymore ... so I walked out... Our marriage ended on that day, despite subsequent attempts to renegotiate behaviours".

This is personally confronting for me. Rowan often goes away for work. I used to get quite grumpy before he'd leave and make comments like "don't miss us too much" or "enjoy your sleep" or "have fun being away from us". I was jealous of him being able to go out without the kids. But I've learnt that he is actually working when he goes away and that comes with its own stresses and problems. I've also learnt that being cranky makes him feel terrible when he leaves us so he used to worry the whole time he was away. He assures me that I have improved and am now much more gracious!

2 comments:

Peter Sholl said...

Hi Jenny,

Very well said. As another husband who goes away a bit, sometimes to some pretty weird places - I appreciate your comments. The best piece of advice I got on the subject as that the effort we (the traveller) put into our work away should not stop until at least a couple of days after we get back. ie: when we get home, sure we'll be exhausted and just want to chill and watch the cricket or whatever, but we can't do that as we need to put effort into picking up relationships again.

Also - being away certainly has its ups and downs. I've discovered that travel is just really exhausting and it can get really wearing - both on me and the family.

I have a one week trip to Cuba next month - so we'll see how all my theories work out!!

JMS said...

Ah yes this is a familiar concept that I have struggled with at times. However one of the best things I do is remind myself of the following. Yes my husband is busy and sometimes works long hours however have to accept that this what he trained to do (medical) and I knew this right from the start. Additionally, I remind myself that I am so blessed/fortunate that my husband's priority is to spend time with God and study his word. As I think of the many women who attend Church and Bible Study without the presence or support of their spouse, I realise how fortunate I am. Does this make sense or am I babbling? Better stop now!

Julie