You know the ads. Romantic music, misty images, Mum whirling around cute, gurgling, smiley baby, Dad laughing as he changes the nappy, Mum kisses cute, clean naked bottom ...
All fun and games. Except it's not ACTUALLY like that.
1. When you change a nappy it (a) often holds poo which smells, (b) if you have a boy, they wee all over you/everything in the surrounding area and (c) you are not going to kiss that bottom because of (a).
2. When you change a nappy it has often leaked all over the clothes/bedding/Grandma's lap by the time you get to it - I can guarantee that you are not laughing and smiling at that point.
3. Babies cry (often, a lot and usually at midnight, 1am, 2.13 am, 3.05 am and 5.23 am)
4. You are very tired because of point 3 - a nappy change is not going to make you laugh. Seinfeld, maybe, but even that might be pushing it because you're usually asleep if you actually sit down for more than two minutes.
5. If you have more than one child, you don't have time to dance around the change room, smelling and kissing a pristine bottom. You are usually either (a) rushing to get back to see which family heirloom the toddler has broken or (b) changing that nappy in the middle of the lounge room floor because you are too scared to leave the toddler after the last incident when they destroyed the TV remote (and Mummy isn't getting up to change channels ever again, so you just don't mess with the remote).
6. Daddy is often not there to help with the nappy change. He is at work. You are on your own. It is stressful. These ads must be filmed about two days after getting home from hospital. When Daddy is there on the weekends - you are in bed - asleep.
7. Eventually they turn into toddlers. Toddlers still wear nappies. Changing a toddler nappy is not fun. It is more like a wrestling match with full-body contact. As in - your full body is sitting on top of them to keep them still. And they are not laughing and gurgling - they are trying to rip your arm off while you deal with the poo - bigger, stinkier poo.
8. They start to walk - cute for a while and then they start to run away from you. Makes completing point 7 even more challenging.
9. And the mum in the ad always look (a) thin, (b) like she never breast-feeds, (c) awake, (d) wearing make-up (what's that?) and the most amazing to me (e) like she's brushed her hair and teeth.
10. It only took me five babies to work all this out. Those ads totally sucked me in - every time!