Monday, October 18, 2010

Getting out of 'Task Mode'


I've been thinking about the story of Mary and Martha a bit this week.  You know the one - when Jesus comes to visit and Mary comes off looking pretty special because she doesn't rush around the house doing the meal preparation like Martha.  I always end up thinking 'yes, I must listen to Jesus more' but still wondering, 'but WHO is supposed to cook that dinner?!'.

I've been thinking about Martha, because I feel like Martha sometimes.  I've discovered over the past few days that my family think I'm angry with them a lot.  This is because when I launch into 'Task Mode' I come across as abrupt and impatient.  I don't feel angry - I'm just thinking 'But there are so many jobs to do and they need to get done now and c'mon, we need to get with the program, move faster people'.  So I come across as grumpy and annoyed.

This has made me feel sad.  I don't want my family to think I'm angry with them. I love them.  I do all these jobs and keep the house tidy because I love them.  I badger them to get ready for school because I care about them getting to school on time.  They need to get to bed on time because they need good sleep to function well.

But they don't FEEL that I love them, so really I'm starting to think we need to live in a pigsty.  Just be late for school each day.  Go to bed whenever they feel like it.  I think it might work better - I'd be more relaxed, I wouldn't be putting pressure on everyone to 'get things done', be places on time.

Would I be more relaxed?  I don't know.  At the end of the day - someone needs to fold that mountain of washing, meals need to be cooked, dishes need to be done and we can't just be late for everything.

So the challenge for me now is to do all those things, but actually make sure they FEEL that I love them.    Oh, but I do so lack confidence in my ability to change modes.

4 comments:

Karen said...

Thanks for posting this. I hear you. Sometimes I think my family think the same way about me. Abrupt and impatient so easily becomes my default mode despite my regular resolutions to make sure my family feel like I do love them. Glad to hear it's not just me...

Kath said...

I so enjoy reading your blog, Jenny. You are able to put into words the thoughts and feelings I've had myself. Thanks.
Kath

Deb L said...

Yep. I hear you. But my problem is that I am angry. I'm not just in task mode. I'm cross with the people I love. I'm trying to pretend to be Mary Poppins on the outside but I'm ready to skin them alive inside.

Jenny said...

Oh yes, Deb, I so relate to that feeling - internalising all that anger and frustration. I get angry too and usually because they're going slow which will impact on me having time by myself/getting things done I want to get done/etc, etc!

I just get disappointed when I'm (for a change) not actually angry and they STILL think I'm grumpy.