How to make a new friend when you're a grown-up
Developing new friendships as we get older can be confusing. Finding someone we actually like and find easy to get on with can be hard work. Developing a real friendship in the midst of all the acquaintances. Or, as Seinfeld helpfully points out, it can feel like dating. You like them. But they seem to have lots of other friends. You try to initiate social interactions. They don't reciprocate. So even if you find someone you do like they may not always be as keen! It's not always a straightforward process.
There's a temptation (as I've experienced with my No 4 child starting school ) to say 'This is TOO much! I can't do this anymore. No more new relationships'. And it makes sense in lots of ways. Invest time in those relationships that you know are good and strong and reliable.
But I've been the new, friendless person so many times in my life that if all the people I met said 'Sorry, I'm full up with great friendships, so even though you seem nice, I just don't have room left', I would have had a miserable life.
One of the strategies I've used to meet people as I've moved into new situations is to get involved with some kind of group that meets regularly. A Bible study group at church, a mother's group, committee at preschool, book group. So that all you have to do is turn up and you have a purpose for regular contact with people.
Of course it is complicated, takes time, a few risks and some hits and misses. I often think that making new friends is like getting some mud, throwing it around and seeing what sticks! It can be messy but you won't know unless you start throwing.
Comments
We moved to a new area and a new church about 18 months ago so we've been making new friendships.
Some remain solid and grow while others remain at the 'acquaintance' stage which is fine by us.
Not all friendships will go deeper and deeper so we're happy to take things as they come.
It's a mid-sized church and we haven't had the opportunity to get to know everyone yet so there is still plenty of time to create more new friendships.
Ideally, within Christian communities, it should be the opposite way around. The essence of hospitality is love of the stranger. But the reality is that even in churches, the natural ways of the world are all too dominant.
Changing my expectations and knowing that it's up to me to initiate, and keep on initiating, has helped with contentment. So I do as much as my energy level at the particular time can cope with, and don't worry too much about the stuff and relationships that aren't happening.