Tuesday, May 4, 2010
Adjusting to change (badly!)
I've been reflecting on why I found the first term of school difficult this year.
I have been waiting for 2010 for such a long time. First year with four kids at school and my youngest at preschool 2 days a week. I had such hopes and dreams. Finish my uni course. Stare at a wall. Maybe watch a DVD during the day.
So many possibilities and hopes that this became a loaded year. Such expectations!
And then I just crashed. I felt so weary. It was like 12 years of mothering just collapsed on top of me because I finally had a bit of breathing space.
So suddenly I didn't want to do anything. I didn't want to talk to the new Kindy mums at school. I found uni a struggle. I found church a struggle . I found picking up the kids from school draining.
For a while I thought that maybe I was depressed. But I was still functioning well. Still enjoying the good things in life. Still exercising. Eating. Sleeping. Happy enough - as long as I had lots of time on my own.
All I can make of it now is that I felt overwhelmed. Overwhelmed by the adjustments to a new year, with new routines. Overwhelmed by my own expectations.
And ultimately, overwhelmed by my own disappointments that it wasn't all that I had hoped for. I still felt stressed, tired, busy. This new stage hadn't taken hard things away - just been replaced with a new set of stresses to worry about.
I've learnt a lot from this time. I've learnt that I need to allow myself some time in my head to adjust to change - even the positive, longed-for change. And I've learnt (yet again) that contentment with the place and stage that I find myself in, is crucially important.
It still caught me off-guard though.