Thursday, July 21, 2011

What I'm learning from my 4.23 am wake-ups

I'm not really doing such a great job of blogging at the moment.  Partly it is because I've been away a bit and partly it's because I haven't had any ideas of what to write about.  Incredible some would say - you seem to have plenty to ramble on about in real life!

So here's a ramble folks.  We enjoyed a lovely, desperately needed break last week.  I slept beautifully which I enjoyed but then I felt freaked out by this.  It made me realise how badly I sleep normally these days.  In the past I've been very proud of my sleeping abilities.  Slept through screaming newborn babies in hospital (one of whom was actually mine, and yes, 'you do actually need to wake up and feed it dear').  I am a champion at sleeping through children who wake up during the night, as my husband will testify to - they all call out 'Daddy, Daddy' and if he's away one of the older kids needs to come and wake me up (I do love them, truly).  And now, with no babies, I find myself awake at 4.23 am, with a scrolling list of 'Things I Should be Doing, if I was a Proper Mother, not the Failing Miserable One that I am Now'.  And I'm sure you already know this, but I can personally say that 4.23am is not the top time of the day for sensible, rational self talk.
And of course, I am most certainly
looking this fantastic at 4.23 am!

Perhaps it is time to write some lists.  Carry a diary maybe (and I can hear you all saying - 'what, no diary? is that woman actually responsible enough to be mother of 5?').  I do have a calendar on the kitchen wall, but I tend to carry a photographic image of what's on the calendar with me in my brain. So when someone says 'are you free on the 25th?', I find myself doing this weird closing-my-eyes-screwing-up-my-face thing to desperately recall what's on the calendar.  The problem comes when I get towards the end of the month and I haven't started to imprint the broad outline of the coming month into my head yet.

So yes, a diary maybe (but I so don't want to carry another thing around with me - carrying everyone's junk (sorry, very precious bits of paper, craft, sticks, rocks, random metal, DS, books, pink sparkly handbags that 'I can't possibly carry anymore Mum because it is just soooo heavy') is enough thanks).  And plus I like to live in denial.  Surely my life isn't really all that mad if I don't have to lug the reality around in my bag all day.

But it truly is that mad.  And the lack of sleep is screaming this reality at me.

Maybe I'll just stuff the calendar in my bag.  Now's there's a trendy look that is sure to catch on ...

8 comments:

Anonymous said...

From a mother of four - get a mobile with a decent calendar function. I remember the every week stuff - violin,soccer,swimming - but forget the one offs. So I set an alarm for an hour before I need to be somewhere and then I still have time to buy a cake/get birthday present/find a doctors referral and still get there reasonably punctually.

JMS said...

I love the calendar in the bag look, but then again, I would love it if we could wear flanelette pants and shirts (yes PJ's really) while out of the house!

Gordon Cheng said...

Your blogs are great. The angst you endure in the service of niceness, goodness and motherhood awakens the purest empathy within the soul of any reader who is not a block of wood.

Rosie said...

I have frequently stuffed the a4 hand drawn up paper version of a calender into my bag as the 'dairy'! I don't want the whole year in my bag, nor do any diaries allow enough space for the comings and goings of six people, or more in your case Jenny. Will pray for you and yes, write something down, however inane it seems.

Rosie said...

a diary not a dairy! And yes, I also put lots of reminders in my phone calendar of the regular activities and appointments.

Karen said...

I have started to use the calendar on my mobile phone this year too, to remind me of appointments, especially the non-regular ones. I just make a list of reminders for the day and set the phone alarm for 6.30 in the morning to tell me what's happening...
(And my kids call out for Daddy in the middle of the night too!)

simone r said...

I'm impressed that you have a calendar. I have nothing.

My gmail account keeps trying to make me a calendar. It picks up any email mentions of dates or times or meetings and wants to collate them all for me. And sync with my phone. I think I'd melt down if I saw everything I have to do put onto a page, so I don't let it.

Sweet, sweet denial.

Sandra said...

I went through a stage of putting post it notes on the back of the front door so I had to look at them every time I went through - I think that was after a number of very embarassing memory lapses including a lunch date with a friend on the other side of the city who had gone to an immense amount of trouble cooking something nice.
We then progressed to a desk diary as the calendar got too small - all family memebers are responsible for putting their engagements in and if they are not documented bad luck. Unfortunately that rule didn't extend to my spouse who negected to diarise a certain week long event run by the Christian group he works for........
Have now upgraded my phone and am launching an attempt to use the diary as it is less likely I'll lose my phone than the diary in my handbag which I lost for a month earlier this year - a bit of a disaster.
unfortunately I think it is the combination of teenage children, increased work hours and increased commitments despite our best efforts.
Unlike you I'm noted for being a bad sleeper and am not really sure why at the moment I'm sleeping like a log- exhaustion perhaps?
Sorry, I think I've had a ramble too.....